by Jeffrey Caminsky (Talk to Me)
“All right, now let me get this straight…”
“There ain’t nothin’ to get straight.”
“Mr. Grissom --- ”
“What I said is the absolute truth!”
“Not that I’m casting any aspersions….”
“And who are you to go doubtin’ my word anyway? I don’t like your whole attitude, young fella. You weren’t there --- and, dammit, I’m a taxpayer. You should have more respect for the people who pay your salary!”
“Yes, sir. But if you don’t mind….”
“ ‘Get this straight’…as if I don’t have nothing’ better to do than go wastin’ my time --- ”
“Please….”
“This is the last time --- ”
“Yes, but…but just for my report. The Sheriff is a stickler for details.”
“Well, now…it all started when I loaded up my truck to go to the Market. You know, the one in Weaver Junction. We’re having company over for the Holiday, and I had some shoppin’ to do over by the feed store. So I decided to take Becky --- ”
“Your wife?”
“--- my pig --- to see if I could get old Doc Blanchard to have a look at her. She ain’t been herself ever since I dumped all that fertilizer into the pigsty, and I wanted the Doc to take another look at her. And you know, she’d been frettin’ something fierce over it, worrying the Bejeesus outta herself --- ”
“The pig?”
“---my wife, for cryin’ out loud. And so I didn’t want her taggin’ along, none. Squawkin’ away like an angry goose, and all. But while I was stopped at the store, I figured I’d be needin’ someone to watch after the pig. So I called over to Sally --- ”
“Your wife.”
“ --- no, my dog. You ain’t an easy one to talk to, Deputy.”
“I’m sorry….”
“And so once we got her all loaded up --- ”
“You mean Becky….”
“--- no, the truck. You know, even for a lawman you don’t listen too good.”
“Well…maybe we could just skip to where you --- ”
“So anyways, once we started out, and I heard Becky’s cage a-rattlin’ around in the back, I got to thinkin’ that I should’ve fixed things up a bit more secure. So I stopped off to Sam’s Hardware to pick me up a few extra things. You know, to add some padding.”
“Well, that sounds reasonable enou--- ”
“Course, what with the cage and all, I didn’t want to let the old girl run around the parking lot, so I just packed it all in around her.”
“Are we talking about the pig or the dog?”
“So I bought me some piping to help fix my irrigation system. And a few cases of motor oil. And it turns out Sam was havin’ a sale on rubber rafts. You know, the kind I always wanted. First-rate Army surplus. Fifteen feet long and tough as nails. He even threw in a pressure inflater for free. Custom designed one, too. Told me he adapted the contraption from plans he’d found for an ejector seat. You know, the kind the flyboys use over to the air base. Of course, the damn thing was stuck to the raft, so I guess he didn’t have much of a choice. To give it to me for free, I mean. But it came with instructions on how to set the damn thing up, so I figured I’d fix it when I got home.”
“The raft?”
“No, the damn pump!”
“Mr. Grissom, if we could just --- ”
“And so before you know it, we’re off and runnin’ and on our way to the feed store.”
“I thought you were going to see the vet.”
“You can’t do everything at once, young man. But then, I learned that back in the days before the world ever heard of video games and other such nonsense. I guess they just don’t teach you boys patience, these days.”
“Mr. Grissom--- ”
“But then we was bouncin’ down the road over by the Westerbrook Farm…you know, right where the road turns into a washboard every time it rains?”
“We haven’t had rain in nearly a month….”
“And that stretch of road was just as bad as ever. Why, I had to stop and strap down all the padding to keep it from floppin’ into Old Man Westerbrook’s soybean field.”
“What does this all have to do with--- ?”
“So I suppose I might not have refastened things around old Becky’s cage none too good. Course, I figured she was heavy enough not to bounce off the truck whilst I was headin’ down to the feed store, so I was mostly worried about the paddin’. And the raft, of course. Didn’t want that bouncin’ out of the truck bed, so I stuffed it right between the cage and the front of the truck bed. Kind of a tight fit, but I didn’t want to take no chances.”
“If we could just get back to --- ”
“And then, it was kind of dusty on the road. Every truck that passed me raised a cloud of it, you see. And with it so hot today, I was getting’ all grimy, and it got to makin’ me a mite thirsty.”
“If we could--- ”
“So I decided to take the long way round to the feed store, by way of McGregor’s Groceries.”
“Which is how we ended up--- ”
“Of course, I didn’t want Becky and Sally to sweat none, it bein’ such a hot day and all. So that’s why I wanted to park the truck down yonder, by the corn field. It’s the only spot in the whole parkin’ lot that had shade. You know, that tall oak tree’s near a hundred years old. Of course, those trees down the hill by the river bank ain’t no spring flowers, either.”
“But how --- ?”
“Dang, but it’s a pretty spot, don’t you think?”
“Mr. Grissom….”
“Anyway, when I pulled into the parkin’ lot there was this big semi parked right in the spot I wanted, so I pulled over to the top of the overlook. But the saplings McGregor planted last year are still so scrawny…well, I didn’t want Sally to overheat, so I left the motor runnin.”
“You see, that was probably the mistake --- ”
“Well, dammit --- you just can’t have the air conditioning drainin’ the battery. And you know, once Old Man McGregor gets to talkin’, you can’t hardly turn him off. So I figured the only way to keep the car cool was to let things keep a-runnin’ whilst I went to get something cold myself. Though, you know, McGregor keeps his place so nice and cool, it’s almost a pleasure to while away the time jawin’ with him on a day like today.”
“So if you could just tell me --- ”
“Now, I don’t rightly know exactly what happened next…although now that I recall, Sally was a bit jumpy when I left. She never did like to be left behind, you know. And she was a-jumpin’ and a-yappin’ like she was a puppy. Kind of makes your heart swell, you know, seein’ an old gal so peppy again.”
“All right, so you left the dog in the car--- ”
“Well, McGregor and me, we got to talkin’, and I suppose we lost track of time. Next thing you know there’s this big crowd gatherin’ in the parkin’ lot --- a-laughin’ and pointin’ fingers and all. And so we went outside to see what the commotion was all about. And there was the truck, down by the river bank---smack up against the big willow tree, wheels still a-spinnin’ and the damn raft floatin’ down the river. Pump still blowin’ away, and all. Motorin’ the raft like she was a powerboat. And there was good old Becky, still in her cage like a good girl.”
“But twelve feet up in the tree.”
“Well, if you want to go gettin’ all technical….”
“But I still don’t understand how you got the pig up into the tree.”
“Like I said before, it wasn’t me. Near as I can figure, it must have been Sally.”
“Now let me get this straight…”
“As I already told you, young fella, there ain’t nothin’ to get straight…..”
“All right, now let me get this straight…”
“There ain’t nothin’ to get straight.”
“Mr. Grissom --- ”
“What I said is the absolute truth!”
“Not that I’m casting any aspersions….”
“And who are you to go doubtin’ my word anyway? I don’t like your whole attitude, young fella. You weren’t there --- and, dammit, I’m a taxpayer. You should have more respect for the people who pay your salary!”
“Yes, sir. But if you don’t mind….”
“ ‘Get this straight’…as if I don’t have nothing’ better to do than go wastin’ my time --- ”
“Please….”
“This is the last time --- ”
“Yes, but…but just for my report. The Sheriff is a stickler for details.”
“Well, now…it all started when I loaded up my truck to go to the Market. You know, the one in Weaver Junction. We’re having company over for the Holiday, and I had some shoppin’ to do over by the feed store. So I decided to take Becky --- ”
“Your wife?”
“--- my pig --- to see if I could get old Doc Blanchard to have a look at her. She ain’t been herself ever since I dumped all that fertilizer into the pigsty, and I wanted the Doc to take another look at her. And you know, she’d been frettin’ something fierce over it, worrying the Bejeesus outta herself --- ”
“The pig?”
“---my wife, for cryin’ out loud. And so I didn’t want her taggin’ along, none. Squawkin’ away like an angry goose, and all. But while I was stopped at the store, I figured I’d be needin’ someone to watch after the pig. So I called over to Sally --- ”
“Your wife.”
“ --- no, my dog. You ain’t an easy one to talk to, Deputy.”
“I’m sorry….”
“And so once we got her all loaded up --- ”
“You mean Becky….”
“--- no, the truck. You know, even for a lawman you don’t listen too good.”
“Well…maybe we could just skip to where you --- ”
“So anyways, once we started out, and I heard Becky’s cage a-rattlin’ around in the back, I got to thinkin’ that I should’ve fixed things up a bit more secure. So I stopped off to Sam’s Hardware to pick me up a few extra things. You know, to add some padding.”
“Well, that sounds reasonable enou--- ”
“Course, what with the cage and all, I didn’t want to let the old girl run around the parking lot, so I just packed it all in around her.”
“Are we talking about the pig or the dog?”
“So I bought me some piping to help fix my irrigation system. And a few cases of motor oil. And it turns out Sam was havin’ a sale on rubber rafts. You know, the kind I always wanted. First-rate Army surplus. Fifteen feet long and tough as nails. He even threw in a pressure inflater for free. Custom designed one, too. Told me he adapted the contraption from plans he’d found for an ejector seat. You know, the kind the flyboys use over to the air base. Of course, the damn thing was stuck to the raft, so I guess he didn’t have much of a choice. To give it to me for free, I mean. But it came with instructions on how to set the damn thing up, so I figured I’d fix it when I got home.”
“The raft?”
“No, the damn pump!”
“Mr. Grissom, if we could just --- ”
“And so before you know it, we’re off and runnin’ and on our way to the feed store.”
“I thought you were going to see the vet.”
“You can’t do everything at once, young man. But then, I learned that back in the days before the world ever heard of video games and other such nonsense. I guess they just don’t teach you boys patience, these days.”
“Mr. Grissom--- ”
“But then we was bouncin’ down the road over by the Westerbrook Farm…you know, right where the road turns into a washboard every time it rains?”
“We haven’t had rain in nearly a month….”
“And that stretch of road was just as bad as ever. Why, I had to stop and strap down all the padding to keep it from floppin’ into Old Man Westerbrook’s soybean field.”
“What does this all have to do with--- ?”
“So I suppose I might not have refastened things around old Becky’s cage none too good. Course, I figured she was heavy enough not to bounce off the truck whilst I was headin’ down to the feed store, so I was mostly worried about the paddin’. And the raft, of course. Didn’t want that bouncin’ out of the truck bed, so I stuffed it right between the cage and the front of the truck bed. Kind of a tight fit, but I didn’t want to take no chances.”
“If we could just get back to --- ”
“And then, it was kind of dusty on the road. Every truck that passed me raised a cloud of it, you see. And with it so hot today, I was getting’ all grimy, and it got to makin’ me a mite thirsty.”
“If we could--- ”
“So I decided to take the long way round to the feed store, by way of McGregor’s Groceries.”
“Which is how we ended up--- ”
“Of course, I didn’t want Becky and Sally to sweat none, it bein’ such a hot day and all. So that’s why I wanted to park the truck down yonder, by the corn field. It’s the only spot in the whole parkin’ lot that had shade. You know, that tall oak tree’s near a hundred years old. Of course, those trees down the hill by the river bank ain’t no spring flowers, either.”
“But how --- ?”
“Dang, but it’s a pretty spot, don’t you think?”
“Mr. Grissom….”
“Anyway, when I pulled into the parkin’ lot there was this big semi parked right in the spot I wanted, so I pulled over to the top of the overlook. But the saplings McGregor planted last year are still so scrawny…well, I didn’t want Sally to overheat, so I left the motor runnin.”
“You see, that was probably the mistake --- ”
“Well, dammit --- you just can’t have the air conditioning drainin’ the battery. And you know, once Old Man McGregor gets to talkin’, you can’t hardly turn him off. So I figured the only way to keep the car cool was to let things keep a-runnin’ whilst I went to get something cold myself. Though, you know, McGregor keeps his place so nice and cool, it’s almost a pleasure to while away the time jawin’ with him on a day like today.”
“So if you could just tell me --- ”
“Now, I don’t rightly know exactly what happened next…although now that I recall, Sally was a bit jumpy when I left. She never did like to be left behind, you know. And she was a-jumpin’ and a-yappin’ like she was a puppy. Kind of makes your heart swell, you know, seein’ an old gal so peppy again.”
“All right, so you left the dog in the car--- ”
“Well, McGregor and me, we got to talkin’, and I suppose we lost track of time. Next thing you know there’s this big crowd gatherin’ in the parkin’ lot --- a-laughin’ and pointin’ fingers and all. And so we went outside to see what the commotion was all about. And there was the truck, down by the river bank---smack up against the big willow tree, wheels still a-spinnin’ and the damn raft floatin’ down the river. Pump still blowin’ away, and all. Motorin’ the raft like she was a powerboat. And there was good old Becky, still in her cage like a good girl.”
“But twelve feet up in the tree.”
“Well, if you want to go gettin’ all technical….”
“But I still don’t understand how you got the pig up into the tree.”
“Like I said before, it wasn’t me. Near as I can figure, it must have been Sally.”
“Now let me get this straight…”
“As I already told you, young fella, there ain’t nothin’ to get straight…..”